Saturday, September 30, 2006
I was eating a strawberry flavored Blue Bell ice cream after dinner and the taste reminded me of Magnolia ice cream when I was kid in the Philippines. They still make it but I really think it tasted different back then. Anyways, the taste made me feel like I was a child again.
Spell casted @ 7:05 PM
Friday, September 29, 2006
I'm addicted to Netflix right now, that I even rented silent movies. Well I thought it would be refreshing to watch something different. So I got Destiny by Fritz Lang. It's about a couple where the guy died and the girl made a bargain with Death that if she gets to save just one life out of three that were at risk, she gets to have her fiance back. The story is really nice so I got lured into it and I thought that was dark and all. When I was watching it last night, I got a headache!!! The picture was moving and I had to read and the fonts were hard to read. Everyone at home was complaining and my mom was even asking me if I hate her so much. She thought that it's weird, I say it's art. She's the one who always encouraged us to explore the arts. Anyway, I didn't finish the whole thing and I don't want to watch any silent movie after that and now that I am thinking about it again, I want to see what happens next. There are three stories and I'm at the last one.
I am currently reading Memoirs of a Geisha, and I just realized that I'm like her in a way. Why? In our office, I am the youngest secretary and I have to do all the crappy work and take the crappy calls and I'm always thinking to my self why don't they do it their selves if they're complaining that I wasn't able to do what they were expecting but no one really told me that I have to do those "chores." So earlier today, I was like 'fine I'll do it since I'm only the apprentice.' But the difference is that they're not all mean to me and they're actually nice in giving me advice on my career path.
Spell casted @ 9:44 PM
Saturday, September 23, 2006
I am having a hard time doing what I want. I always have to ask someone's approval before I could go out and do the simplest things. I have this feeling that everybody is trying to control me. Is it because of my past? They keep telling me that they believe that I am a good person but it is so clear that they barely trust me. All I'm asking is to for me to be able to do things without worrying about what is waiting for me when I get home.
I always have to please them before I can please my self. I feel like I am suffocating and there is now way out. This is what I think will happen: I'll finally do what I want but it would be such an issue and fights will happen, words will be spoken and feelings will get hurt. I would totally be alone; or, I will follow whatever they would ask me to do but I would see my whole life pass me by and when they finally decide to let me go, there's nothing out there for me anymore. It's like in this lifetime, happiness is not meant for me.
Spell casted @ 5:02 PM
Friday, September 22, 2006
I always thought that I learned a lot from him, because he is just so good. Recently, he told me that I was like his teacher because he learned a lot from me that he thought he could never do. I just thought I was just doing what I was supposed to do. I guess we just compliment each other. And I think it's better if we only talk once a day, because that's when we have a more meaningful, funny, less stressed out conversation. Now I miss my B.B. and no, I'm not in love, just wanted to make it clear.
Spell casted @ 9:40 PM
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Another rollercoaster ride. I was so bummed last night when my mom went on and on about how she's getting irritated with me and she was saying that she could be as bad and mean if she wants to, threatening me that she'll go to my work to embarass me and how I would curse the day that I was born and that when she goes home to the Philippines to visit my son, she would say things to him and probably to the nanny that would make me look bad.
At this point, I just don't care anymore if she wants to embarass me or whatever. She could go ahead and do whatever she likes, I'm not worried with my reputation if that's what she's thinking. I'm tired of being me and protecting my dignity. I'm not Miss Perfect and I don't have nothing to protect. As for my son, she can have him, since that what she's been telling me, that there is no anount of money that I could repay her for the things that she did for us. I am very thankful that she was with me when I had my son, and I love him and he is all I have. But for the mistake that I did and my lack of judgement, I don't own my life anymore. I have nothing that I can hold and tell the whole world and my self that is mine.
I don't know if I should call my self as an adult or a kid. My age says that I'm old enough, but for others, I still have to live with someone else's rules. I'm beginning to feel that I'm a burden and my mom knows that too. Only because I wouldn't go home at the time that she imposed or I wouldn't do what she wants me too. Why can't she just let me go with no hard feelings? I know that she thinks that I can't make it on my own yet and I know that too, does it mean that all of us have to suffer? How would I know if I'll survive it or not unless I try? Why does this have to be so hard and complicated?
On the brighter side of life, a lot of people have been noticing my teeth. They said that it's whiter? They only noticed just now?! I did the whitening thing more than 2 months ago and they only noticed now????? Oh well. Better late than never.
Spell casted @ 10:26 AM
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I'm lovin' I Call It Love by Lionel Richie.... lovin it!!!!! I also like Save Room by John Legend, love the song, love the video, love him!
People always think that I'm smart and I may have to disagree with that. I always offer Angel B. to help him with his homework and when he shows it to me, it is kinda' hard. I can't blame him if he wants to drop the class and I would always encourage him and offer help. I thought it was going to be easy because it's just English, well it's not. I even got a little bit frustrated when his teacher returned the essay I made and found out that there were a lot of mistakes. She said it was confusing... I don't think so! She's just telling her self that. I really wanted to reason out with her but I can't. I actually want to go in that class and take it as a challenge. I know I'm not perfect but I don't think it was that bad the way she made it seem.
Despite that, I had a proud moment at work. All the other secretaries and district managers were stressing out with the deadline and I don't think it's that important. The regional secretary just made it look like it because she's been bugging everyone with emails, which, by the way, I don't think she really knows how to use or she's just lazy. She puts the whole message on the subject and when we open the email, it's just blank. How stupid is that?! Anyway, there is this training thing that store employees had to accomplish and for every district, there is a summary of the stores on how many people had to do it. All of them were looking for that summary in our system and I wasn't aware at first that they didn't know where to pull it up. So I got to do my thing on time and they were still running around and asking each other. And of course I helped them out. Later in the afternoon, there was one more secretary who wasn't able to do a follow-up on her employees and she got an email from the district manager saying that he, himself doesn't know how to do it and heard that I knew how to do it. I mean, I'm talking about one of the big bosses who's experienced and knew his way well on the company. And I'm sure that everybody pretty much knew what I was capable of. ^-^
Spell casted @ 9:40 PM
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I thought planning your future with someone would be nice, it's like doing the lay-out of your fairy tale dreams. I didn't know it could be such a headache too. So it's a good thing and a bad thing for me. It's good because someone could help me with my goals. I've always had one but I keep postponing on actually realizing it everyday so nothing actually happens. And it's bad because one move I make will also affect the other person so I would have to tell him a major decision and that means if it doesn't agree with our goal, I can't do it. And that also means that I would have to do the "spend wisely" thing. Honestly, I don't think it's a bad thing at all. My childish side just keep saying "I want it now!" for whatever it is that I want to get even if I don't need it. I'm happy that someone is actually trying to help me but I just feel stubborn lately.
Spell casted @ 3:47 PM
Monday, September 18, 2006
Everybody wants to be happy in life. Maybe I do too. I just don't like it that much. I mean, ideally I do want it, but in reality, I don't think so. Eversince I was happy again, I stopped going to the gym, started eating healthy, stopped being selfish, lost my mysterious air and my edge... That just ain't cool!!! Maybe I'll pick a fight with Angel B. tomorrow...
We haven't had an "old couple" fight lately.... yay for that! He's very nice and sweet but not in a "I'll give you the sun and the moon" or Casanova type. He's more of the "kiss you when you're sleeping, buy you lunch, play the CD when you're the car that you gave me and that's the only time I really listen to it, give you and your brother a ride home, let's buy the same phone, pretend i don't like your ringtone but get the same one, have the same nick/code name in the phone book and have a shared family plan while we're at it, act cool in public even when you look hot today but grabs you the moment we step inside the house, seem to not care when you don't call me but I actually count the hours and the days that we didn't talk and ask you what you've been doing at the time, ask you to help me with my homework but nothing ever really happens, kiss you when I feel like it even if the boss is just on the next aisle of the store, kiss you on the head and kiss you before we call it a day" type of guy.
Spell casted @ 7:36 PM
Friday, September 15, 2006
So far, my morning started pretty well, I got enough sleep, I didn't chase the bus and train, I didn't forget anything (I think) and I look just right. I was even so cheerful and greeted my co-worker, which I don't usually do. I've been kind of a snob and a pain to her lately and for some reason this morning I felt bad about it.
I finally started working on the things I kept putting off because I'm not sure how to do them and I didn't want to annoy my office mates with my endless questions. For this day, I would try to keep my calm on customer service calls and be patient with everything. Because lately, when I wanted something, I wouldn't stop until I get it or bug Angel about it. I'll do it one day at a time.
Speaking of the devil, I couldn't help but notice that he's been nice to me lately. Or at least when we started talking again. It's the small things that he didn't really do before. He's been saying the three small words again an I try not to get too excited or might expect too much and just get disappointed in the end.
Back in the Philippines where texting is the same as breathing, I got this one message that this person loved the other one so much that he wanted to tell the whole world but kept quiet instead because he is scared that the world might take her away from him. That's exactly what I am feeling right now, and it's just really hard to contain my self when I have this overwhelming feeling.
Spell casted @ 8:16 AM